Bad Breath Terminology

by Kingston Amadan

We all know someone who has bad breath. Still, you may not be current on all the slang associated with this unfortunate condition. Not to worry, my friend. I am here to provide you with more than a few descriptive phrases to use when referring to recurring bad breath, also known as halitosis. This is not meant to be amusing, but rather meant to provide a public service to those who want to classify people around them who have bad breath without appearing to be out of the loop. The last thing I want you to do is blurt out that someone simply has “bad breath” as that can be an unforgivable social faux pas in the wrong crowd. To be safe, please refer to this list describing the malady in more current terms.

When someone exhibits bad breath, it is now said that they are:

A) farting topside

B) leaking some Limburger

C) melting the moustache

D) burning tires on their tongue

E) polluting the local environment

F) exploring the limits of personal space with every exhalation

Just think of how much more poignant these remarks will be than the old standard of, “so and so has bad breath.” Now you too can appear “bad breath” savvy when reporting the condition. No need to thank me for this, helping others is what I do. I don’t recommend that you make these comment to the offending person, as they might give the impression of a lack of tact on your part. Besides, telling someone they have bad breath isn’t nearly as fun as telling someone else about them. Of course, no one would do this for the simple joy of gossiping about another’s misfortune. Like me, I’m certain you would merely be passing along vital information in the hope that it would work its way around to the intended recipient. This way, you have absolved yourself of the serious responsibility of telling someone their breath offends and placed that burden not so squarely on the shoulders of a mutual acquaintance. Devilishly brilliant, in my opinion.