by Kimberly Seltzer
You wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner and maybe catch a movie with the same woman?you’ve?been with for 10 years. You slip on the khaki pleated Dockers and Polo stripped shirt you wore when you first met, have the comfortable conversation of your day?s events and in silence fall asleep on opposite ends of the couch watching TV. After a certain period of time you forget what attracted that woman to you in the first place.
When the relationship ends, that life you once knew is over and you have to get back out there and date again. But how?
Being divorced isn’t the end of the relationship road. There is life after divorce, and, though awkward in the beginning, you will get your game back to attract new women into your world. In fact, you may find that it is even easier than before because you are now older, wiser and closer to knowing what you want (and don’t want) in a partner.
Overall, the secret ingredient in attracting anyone in your life is first feeling good about yourself and owning what you?ve got. It may take a while, however, to regain that confidence so that you feel ?dateable? again. Here are the typical issues and fears many men feel when trying to return to the dating scene, and tips on how to address them.
?I have no idea what to wear on a date or what women find sexy?– If a man is wearing something he feels self-assured in, he?s going to come across as a confident, successful alpha man, which is what women like. ?Confidence clothing?is defined as clothes that are:
- Updated, stylish, comfortable and that fit your body well.
- Those you wish you could wear every day because how sharp they make you feel.
- Age and occasion appropriate
- You think are really YOU and express your personality
- Clean, well pressed and in good condition
- Colors that flatter your skin tone
- Polished, updated shoes
- Quality fabrics that don?t cling, pucker or pull
Grooming is also extremely important since women really pay attention to this. Your ex-wife might have forgiven the over grown and unruly hairs but it is not so appealing to a new prospective mate. Make sure your facial hair is neatly groomed, your hair is styled, your nails are short and your skin looks nice. It helps if you smell nice too. Do not pour the bottle of cologne on or you?ll suffocate her. Instead, you should smell fresh and clean with maybe a dab of tasteful cologne. Again, women like men who take care of themselves.
?It is uncomfortable for me to approach women??This usually stems from being nervous about saying the wrong thing and fear of rejection. Get out of your head worrying about if a woman is going to reject you. Just be in the moment and talk with her -don?t just talk about yourself. Ask questions about her life. Most women love when you give them attention, especially if you?re being authentic when doing so. The truth of the matter is that your ?dating muscle? is atrophied after not using it for a while so you have to exercise it again. Get comfortable approaching everyone when you are out and about. A great exercise is to approach at least three people (both men and women) a day during your daily routine. An easy way to do this is to give compliments to people you meet on things you notice about them. Women love when you notice something about them and to feel adorned. After doing several approaches a day, it will get a lot easier and feel more natural.
?I don?t know how to change my role as a married man and build a new social circle to meet women??It is true that you did a lot of ?married? activities with your ex-wife as a couple. Often your friends change as you step into the single world. Not only do you do things solo but different activities may interest you now. The most important thing is to find other single friends you can do things with. This will open up your world and create new possibilities in terms of meeting women. How do you find other singles when?you’ve?been surrounded with married folks? Explore several avenues by getting involved in networking groups, singles events, outdoor group gatherings, regular trips to the gym and more. If you?re having a difficult time knowing what to get involved in, think about three skills/hobbies you have or have an interest in learning more about and research groups that relate to them. Discover what makes you ?tick? and you?ll build your social circle with other like-minded singles.
?Women won?t like me because I?m divorced??Many times men think they are painted with the scarlet letter once they have the label of ?divorced?. Actually, many women say that they prefer a divorced man because they like the fact that he has been in a long term relationship before, and knows how to share with a partner. Marriage teaches you how to compromise, be more giving, and understand a woman?s needs. Just because you are divorced?doesn’t?mean you have some sort of disease. Remember, over fifty percent of the population is in the same boat trying to navigate these waters, so you are not alone by a long-shot. Instead, own who you are and enjoy the new found freedom. This is your time to start over, enjoy yourself and have fun. One common mistake is trying too hard by being so serious when talking with women -it can almost feel more like an interview with memorized or canned questions rather than an easy conversation. Be playful and mix it up a bit to enjoy the new you and you?ll see how easy it is to create attraction.
Although starting over can be intimidating and a little scary, it can actually be freeing and exciting as you embark upon a new adventure. This is your chance to explore the world and meet various women different than any you’ve ever met before. Through this you?ll discover who you are separate from the woman you were with for so many years, and find out what you would like and need in a future relationship.
Remember, the dating road is not a dead end, but instead an avenue to an exhilarating new journey.
Kimberly Seltzer LCSW is a Therapist, Matchmaker, Personal Image Expert and Dating Coach. She practices a unique blend of therapy, in-field coaching and styling to help people with their confidence and dating life. Moreover, Kimberly is also a single mom who specializes in working with divorcees to get back out into the dating world. She helps her single parent clients deal with how to navigate the heartbreak and emotional turmoil of divorce, the responsibility of raising children, finding the time and energy to date and look good doing it!
You can find more from Kimberly at The Art of Charm
Image courtesy of nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net